A neurodiverse girl walks into a bar. . .
So, sat in a bar on Friday night with a very patient mainly neurotypical friend, I asked a question about something that bugs me, particularly recently, which is "why do neurotypical people, knowing there's a problem, prefer to do nothing"? My friend's response was that "Inertia is easy. Doing nothing, doing what's normal is comfortable. Action is hard." To which my response is basically, that's weird, and also so bad for the individual - but as my friend rightly pointed out, good for the group, and fits in with the evolutionary theory of neurodiverse types as sentinels for the group.
It of course occured to me of course that some of my "get stuff done now" stuff is learned behavior/personality type (rather alpha I'm afraid), but the need to see the pattern and do something about it now is also very neurodiverse. It also occured to me that some of this might be that neurodiverse people are never comfortable in the way neurotypical people are.
My friend was sat in the bar in a happy fuzz, having a nice drink with a friend, barely aware of the paint color. Me on the other hand, the paint's maroon, floor pine, lighting wide spectrum hallogen spot (most likely the cause of this morning's migraine), the smell of food and perfume wafts, the aftershave of the man behind me assaults (ugg, can't wait until this trend for 20 something men to use aftershave like its air freshener is over). I catch fragments of 6 or more conversations and the human behavior so inexplicable on a micro scale on a macro is easily predictable, that pattern recognizing itch in my brain is resolving the room into groups of friends, enemies, those going home together and I have to get hold of my brain and go "SHUT UP. No really, shut up and focus."
What is effortless in the morning, on a Friday evening is brutally hard work, I have to shut all this sensory stuff out, focus on the high bar chair I'm sat on, the glass of wine and food in front of me, to not fall or knock anything flying. To make eye contact, which I find hard for a bunch of reasons (so many it'll have to be the topic of another post), to remember to smile and make a miriad of small social behaviors which make little sense to me. To figure out what the hell my friend of several years means this time with that facial expression combined with that gesture, and what I'm supposed to do in response (I need to have known someone for 5+ years before I've got enough variety of information in the "database" to start predicting/recalling rather than analysing behavior). And if I can spare some brain cells, to come up with another topic of conversation.
This is why neurodiversity, marvellous as it is, takes 40 points off my raw IQ, and how ignoring the details for a neurodiverse people, never mind what they mean is always an effort. Neurotypical, I tell you, its some crazy stuff ;o)
It of course occured to me of course that some of my "get stuff done now" stuff is learned behavior/personality type (rather alpha I'm afraid), but the need to see the pattern and do something about it now is also very neurodiverse. It also occured to me that some of this might be that neurodiverse people are never comfortable in the way neurotypical people are.
My friend was sat in the bar in a happy fuzz, having a nice drink with a friend, barely aware of the paint color. Me on the other hand, the paint's maroon, floor pine, lighting wide spectrum hallogen spot (most likely the cause of this morning's migraine), the smell of food and perfume wafts, the aftershave of the man behind me assaults (ugg, can't wait until this trend for 20 something men to use aftershave like its air freshener is over). I catch fragments of 6 or more conversations and the human behavior so inexplicable on a micro scale on a macro is easily predictable, that pattern recognizing itch in my brain is resolving the room into groups of friends, enemies, those going home together and I have to get hold of my brain and go "SHUT UP. No really, shut up and focus."
What is effortless in the morning, on a Friday evening is brutally hard work, I have to shut all this sensory stuff out, focus on the high bar chair I'm sat on, the glass of wine and food in front of me, to not fall or knock anything flying. To make eye contact, which I find hard for a bunch of reasons (so many it'll have to be the topic of another post), to remember to smile and make a miriad of small social behaviors which make little sense to me. To figure out what the hell my friend of several years means this time with that facial expression combined with that gesture, and what I'm supposed to do in response (I need to have known someone for 5+ years before I've got enough variety of information in the "database" to start predicting/recalling rather than analysing behavior). And if I can spare some brain cells, to come up with another topic of conversation.
This is why neurodiversity, marvellous as it is, takes 40 points off my raw IQ, and how ignoring the details for a neurodiverse people, never mind what they mean is always an effort. Neurotypical, I tell you, its some crazy stuff ;o)
posted by Ems at 6:31 PM
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